somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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