i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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