Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
