It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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