im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Randomize
