I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
