the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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