i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
