Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
