I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The uberlube is also flammable
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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