Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
