and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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