We're like a lot better than the average bears
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
