she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
