im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
