also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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