My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
