tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He better not be in your backpack
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
