is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
