actually, I'm a sock model
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
