If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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