i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
