where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
