just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
