glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
