stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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