I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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