she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
