if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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