I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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