Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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