If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
