my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
