I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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