my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
