She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Sext me about skeletons
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
