Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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