I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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