the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
