***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Randomize
