How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
