i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
