genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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