JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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