He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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