i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
