In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
