and she was petting her beer can
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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