the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
