there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
